


❄️🌸 Spring In Winter ❄️🌸

by kinkymochi



Series: December Prompt Event 2018 [1]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Confessions, Dorks in Love, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Letters, Light Angst, Love, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Requited Love, Secret Admirer, Secret Crush, Secret letter, Shy Kim Yugyeom, but yugyeom thinks it's unrequited love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 17:57:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17105408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kinkymochi/pseuds/kinkymochi
Summary: Yugyeom has been in love with Jinyoung for a while, but hasn't ever said anything because he's always thought Jinyoung saw him as a nuisance more than anything. With Christmas so close around the corner, it has him feeling a little sad and more emotional about it than usual. Today, he buys nice letter paper, and a pretty envelope to put everything in, and intends to write a letter about Jinyoung.With intentions of sending the letter to the garbage can.The only problem is Jinyoung happens to find it.





	❄️🌸 Spring In Winter ❄️🌸

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Yugyeom nodded, slightly opaque white plastic bag in hands, "I know Jinyoung is after me, I know," He sighed to the voice on the phone, "Yeah, I'll be home for the mini Christmas party, hyung," Yugyeom rolled his eyes, "Yes, yes, okay, if I agree to everything you say will you let me go? Yes, god, I'm fine....Okay, thank you, see you in a bit."

 

Yugyeom sighed as he set his phone on his desk along with the bag, moving to lock the studio door. Jackson was very adamant that Yugyeom be there before they started setting up for the pre-Christmas dinner because 'you're not going to just come home and eat all the food I made when you did nothing to help'. Part of him knew Jackson was only half serious and just being a little clingy today, but right now he wasn't in the mood to play around. If he was being honest, he felt like shit. He dreaded Christmas because it only reminded him that he was loving someone who couldn't and wouldn't return it. A painful notice sent directly to his aching heart, and he dreaded any holidays now because of it. He's never confessed to Jinyoung, but he just knows that the other doesn't feel the same. All the teasing, the eye rolling, the snide comments and insults disguised as jokes told him all he needed to know. He had began to fall for the stupidly handsome man about a year and a half ago, but he's only been in too deep for the past six months he would estimate.

Of course, he isn't the Father of Time, so six months might not be entirely accurate, but it's around about where he'd place his mark. A dull, stress-induced pain stabbed through his brain as he sat down in his chair. He had been more stressed than usual, mostly due to his own emotions. A strong love for someone who he could never have beginning to have a severe negative effect on him. A simple google search on 'how to get over someone you can't have' and a couple articles later, and here he was; with personally made stationary and envelope, and a special pen that came with it. He was going to write a letter to Jinyoung, pour all of his feelings out, fold it neatly into the envelope and top it with a bow to make everything look nice. After it was addressed and looked pretty, he was going to burn it. An article he read had told him that doing that made it easier to move on, something about the psychology of writing down your feelings. He figured it couldn't hurt, and so here he was. Writing a letter about someone he could never have, to someone that would never see it.

He took a deep breath to gather his thoughts before writing anything, not wanting to mess anything up.

* * *

_You._

_You are the reason for many things._

_You are the reason why i wake up in the morning, why I look forward to every day, why I look forward to the blessing of being able to breathe the same air as someone as truly beautiful as you are. You are also the reason why I began to hate waking up in the morning, why I no longer look forward to every day, and why sometimes I wished I wasn't still here so that way I wouldn't be given the blessing of breathing the same air as someone as beautiful as you are. I made this stationary just for you-or rather, had it made. Kind of funny, huh? Paying money on something just to destroy it before you even see it. Guess love can make you do some pretty pointless shit, huh? I'm not writing this letter to talk about stationary, or about how I spend weeks carefully speaking with the artist that made this because I couldn't think of anything that would truly be worthy of your gaze; even now, I don't really think you should be looking at something as simplistic as this, it's not worth your time, but I think it's almost there. Closer than I ever could be. Closer than I ever deserve to be._

_To put things simply, I love you. I love the way your eyes sparkle when you smile; I love the way that your eyes always show your emotions, regardless if you want them to or not; I love how your voice sounds like velvet to my ears when you speak; I love how you can see a little bit of your teeth when your lips rest apart from one another, or how your hair always carefully sweeps over one brow...or how sometimes, if I try hard enough, you'll look at me just a little like the way I look at you; and in that split, short moment, I'm the happiest man alive. Then reality sets in. The reality that you don't love me, that you never could love someone as lowly as myself. You hate me, I can see it even if you don't say it. The way you speak to me, how your insults are disguised as jokes, how you'll yell at me for the smallest things no matter how much I apologize, how you're always so ready to 'prank' me and how you're always trying to make it go too far. Though, my love, if there was someone I am to be insulted by, I am honored that it is you. Even though I am honored, I'm afraid I can't take anymore._

_I have shead tears because of you, tears that I'm afraid to show anyone because how am I supposed to explain them? How am I supposed to explain that I'm crying because no matter how hard I try, you'll always hate me? How am I supposed to explain that even though they think it's jokes, I know they're not, that I'm hurt by you without sounding like I'm too much of a baby? That's something you always pick on me about, that I'm just some immature child that will never grow up because my head is too far in the clouds. I wonder how you'd react to seeing such a baby pour out all his feelings for someone like you. Would you insult me more? Use it against me? Hate me more than you do now? Probably. Even though I said I'm honored to be insulted by you, I don't think I could handle you using this against me. I think that would break me, truly. Did you ever stop to think that maybe I joke around so much to disguise the pain that boils inside me? A pain that is forever growing because no matter how hard I try to heal the wound, you always reopen it. Always._

_I'm not writing this letter to insult you, but if you're never going to see it, I might as well say everything I have to say, right? Because it doesn't matter either way, right? Not that I ever mattered to you in the first place....right? I know I'm not worthy of your time, and I'm not worthy of you even breathing near me, but god, do you have to remind me every day? That I know you deserve so much better, even as a friend or group-mate?  There's dozens of maknae's in idol groups that are so much better than I am, don't you think I already know that? I try to be as best as I can be, but it never seems good enough for you, does it? Not that I blame you either. Hell, I hate me too, I understand. Even I don't want to be around myself, but I'm stuck with me, so there's not much I can do. Sorry for the tear stains, I told myself I wouldn't be a baby and cry during this, but I can never seem to keep my promises, hm? I think I should change the topic for a little while to something better. I'm not really worth talking about at such length anyway. I'd rather talk about you, I could write novels about you._

_I could write novels that would rival the world's most prized poets and authors, but I'm afraid there's not enough paper in the world to begin to cover even the smallest article. To put into words my love for you, would be like asking Aphrodite how to surpass her in beauty. I don't just love an idea of you like some high school crush, I truly do love you. I love the little things about you, I love your flaws, your perfections, just you. I love how blunt you can be, and how you can always manage to make me laugh. Sometimes, if the cameras are on and I hug you, you'll hug me back and I think those are one of the moments that I honestly treasure the most. The moments when I can pretend that you don't hate me. I love how you're stronger than you look, and how you don't take bullshit. I love how mentally strong you are, and I often find myself wishing I had that same mental strength that you do. I love how talented you are, and how you always give everything in all of your performances, and how just one gaze from you could kill all of the confidence I ever had. You're so beautiful._

_Beautiful and handsome, an ethereal work of art; handcrafted by whatever entity exists beyond us. A lot of people would compare one another to Romeo and Juliet, but if I'm being frank, those people are stupid. Comparing themselves to two people who died, and couldn't wait two seconds for one another? It's silly. If I'm being truthful, I don't quite know what to compare the both of us to. Perhaps you're more like an angel, an arrogant angel, but an angel nonetheless; and I'm just a human, looking up at you with wide-eyed wonder and adoration and you, the angel, casting an unforgiving gaze down at me for even thinking of looking at you. Me, a lowly immortal, giving you an offering of love, and you casting it aside in search of something better-something you truly deserve. I think I might be sounding too sad and spiteful, and spite isn't something I feel. I'm not mad, or angry, I kind of just am. I love you, but the more I love you, the more it hurts me. I wish there was a way for me to forget my feelings about you, so I can move on with my life and stop feeling so sad all the time._

_I'm sorry I always make you so mad, if it'll make you happier I'll try to change the parts of me that you hate. I'm sorry I'm so annoying and clingy, I'm sorry that I'm not good enough for you. I'm hoping that writing this will help me begin to get over you, but now that I've gotten this far, I don't really think it will. I'm too far along to stop now though, so I might as well just finish what I started. Maybe by writing this I'll at least feel better about myself, or just better in general. I hope I don't sound too mean, but I miss the days when I just saw you as a friend and nothing more. Those days I wouldn't lie awake at night wondering if you hate me; those days I didn't cry myself to sleep half the time. I don't regret loving you, though, don't get me wrong. It's an honor to love someone as truly breathtaking as you are, and ~~whoevel~~ whoever gets the honor of being called yours is the luckiest person in the world. I'm sorry for my spelling mistake, I couldn't see through the tears in my eyes. Such a baby, right? The person you call yours in the future is lucky, and I hope they love you better than I can._

_I hope they love you more than I do, and I hope they can articulate themselves better than I ever could. I hope they're a million times better than me because it's what you deserve. You deserve nothing short than the best things in the world, and I wish with all of my aching heart that I could give those things to you. But I can't. I never can. Sometimes, I'm grateful for all the pain you cause me, because it's better than the empty void I can be. I often wonder why you still bother talking to me, or giving me smiles, ruffling my hair, pushing me as if we're the best of friends. God, I love you so much, and I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. I shouldn't love you, I don't deserve you and you clearly don't like me, so why does my brain love you so much? My stomach turns whenever we lock eyes, my body temperature skyrockets whenever our hands touch, I get butterflies whenever you talk to me. It used to be so easy-talking to you, I mean. I used to be able to do it with such ease, now I find the words getting stuck in my throat. I find a blush heating my cheeks whenever you praise me, rather than simply giving you a witty remark._

_I remember one day when all of us had gone out as a treat, and we had gone to the beach and it was a beautiful sunny day, and I had said that the day still wasn't as beautiful as you are. Of course, that was entirely by accident, I didn't mean to say that out loud, and as soon as I did I was so embarrassed. I was mortified, I thought you were going to hate me. Surprisingly enough, you didn't hate me, you just smiled-a genuine smile-and gave me a shove while telling me to stop teasing you. I had laughed, my worries had melted away, and for the first time in a while I was truly happy. It wasn't cloud nine, but it was as close as I had ever been. I think about that a lot sometimes, the way the sun shone in your eyes, and the way you smiled and laughed. It was nice because there weren't any cameras, and I knew that you didn't do it for show. I knew that in that moment-your smile and laughter wasn't forced, that someone like me managed to make you, Jinyoung, laugh and blush ever so slightly. I was proud, and that moment means a lot to me. I wonder if you think about it too._

_This year on valentines, I remember I had wanted to do so much. There was a million ideas in my head, and I wanted to confess to you so bad. I wanted to sweep you off your feet (this was back when I still was overly confident) with roses, and a romantic (and private) confession. In fact, I had everything planned; the chocolates, the roses, a dinner reservation later that evening, a gift. Everything. I had texted you wondering where you were, and you messaged back saying 'this is a really weird thing to ask, but you, Kim Yugyeom, are the weirdest man I have ever met, so why am I still surprised with you?' but you still told me were you were. At the park down the road, having some coffee and listening to the sounds of the birds and cars. I had rounded the corner, roses and gift in my hands, when I saw you with a woman. You two had kissed, and it broke my heart. I knew I couldn't just waltz up there with the plans I had, so I swallowed my tears and pride and threw the roses away, and just walked up to you with the gift. I think I had thrown off my suit jacket because it would've been strange._

_I walked up to you with the little bag in my hands, and met you with a teary smile and gave you the excuse that it was just allergies. It wasn't, but you easily accepted the excuse. Which I'm grateful for, I didn't and don't want to cause any problems between you and her. Even though it might've hurt, and still does, I just wanted your happiness. I had given you the gift and you looked at me strangely, and I just said it was a late birthday present, and you accepted it with a weary smile. I had gotten you a watch with a hollowed out design so you can see the gears turning as the time ticked by-they had called it a skeleton watch at the jewelry store. It was decorated with colors of gold and a rich blackish-blue; it was elegant, handsome, and stunning, just like you. You had thanked me, and the woman you were with said that it was very beautiful and asked how much it was. I lied and said it was only around $100, I didn't want anyone to feel singled out or strange that I had spent nearly $1,000 on a watch. I don't know if you ever managed to notice, but I did have the watch engraved._

_Of course, I had done it thinking it would be a gift to a you that would've been my boyfriend, but I had our initials engraved with the quote, 'There is not enough time in the world to tell you how I love you'. If you haven't seen it, then part of me is glad that I don't have to go through the embarrassment of knowing that you saw it. The thought of you knowing all this time how much I love you, the thought is more painful for me. I think I'm happy with the ignorance that I've been granted. I think about those two moments a lot, and I wonder what you think about a lot. I remember how distraught you were when that girl broke your heart, and I was there for you. I was there to dry your tears, to rub your back when you had thrown up from your hangover, to make you food when you were too depressed to even move. I enjoyed being there for you, even if you never were there like that for me. Then again, I don't think I've ever made it known to you when I was feeling that sad. I never told you when I needed someone. I've been too riddled with fear._

_I love loving you, but I hate it at the same time, and maybe this letter that you'll never see will bring me some closure...._

_Sometimes at night, when I feel my worst, I'll pull a weighted blanket around me and cuddle into a stuffed animal and pretend it's you that I'm cuddling. I always fall asleep quickly, though it's beginning to work less and less lately, and nightmares are beginning to take over my once happy dreams. I think my brain is starting to figure out it's just a blanket and a bear, and not actually you. God, I wish I could cuddle you- breathe you in and shower you with the praise and affection that you deserve..._

_but you are not mine..._

_I don't deserve to even call you mine. Ever._

_But, god, I love you so much that I'm crying._

_I love you so fucking much that it hurts._

_It hurts to see you laughing and flirting with other people, as if you're mocking me._

_It hurts to see you finding love in other people, as if you're rubbing it in._

_It hurts to see you talking to our other members as if I don't fucking exist._

_And maybe, just maybe, I'm a little angry, but god I'm so much sadder._

_I can't even sleep anymore because of how shitty I feel._

_You make me cry._

_You make me scream._

_You make me hurt._

_You make me smile._

_You make me laugh._

_You make me happy._

_Do you see the problem? I think....I think I'm too deep in love to simply write a letter, and then burn it to get rid of how I feel. I think I know that now. I wish I could give this to you, that I could have the courage to walk right up to you and tell you how I feel. I wish I wasn't such a damn coward, and that I stop walking on eggshells whenever you are around. I want to feel you in my arms so bad, to hug you just once as if you mean it. As if I truly mean something to you. If you ever gave me the chance to tell you what I thought about you, I would tell you that you are too beautiful to simply be thought about. Your beauty requires thought, time for the brain to think of mortal objects and human words to describe your ethereal beauty. I'd tell you your eyes are like pools of ink on a starry night, reflecting the twinkles of light that it catches. I'd tell you that your face is like carefully sculpted marble like a greek statue, but that even then it doesn't do you justice. I would tell you that no photograph could ever capture how breathtakingly handsome you are. I would tell you when you walk into a room, all air leaves me._

_I would tell you that not even the world's greatest authors, no philosopher, no poet or artist could ever be talented enough to truly capture your beauty, but that it's always amazing when they try._

_If I had the chance, if I had the courage, I would tell you that I loved you._

_That I **love** you._

_I love you._

_I love you like Aphrodite loves roses; I love you like the stars meet the sea; I love you like a water lily loves a pond; I love you like a sunflower loves a summer day; I love you like a composer loves their orchestra._

_I love you._

_I love you too much._

_I am a stupid, stupid man, that loves someone unattainable-but, if there's anyone I'm worthy of loving, I'm glad it's you._

_Even if you don't return it, Jinyoung._

 

_Always and forever yours,_

_Yugyeom._

* * *

Yugyeom carefully brought the pages together, neatly folding them in the envelope. He carefully addressed the letter that nobody else would ever see, getting out the ribbon and tying everything into a neat little bow. He wiped his eyes of his tears, even though they still freely flowed from his eyes. He took a moment for himself, digging his palms into his eyes and crying hard. He loved someone that could never love him, someone who truly hates him, and that's what hurts the most. The fact that he knows that information, but his mind and heart won't listen to reason, and instead continue love someone he felt that he could never have. His phone rang, and he ignored it in preference for crying. His phone rang again, and this time he opted to answer it, knowing that whoever it was wouldn't stop until he did. So, he wiped his eyes and cleared his throat before answering.

 

"Y-Yes,hy-ung?" Yugyeom spoke with a broken voice.

"Bambam is in the hospital-" Jaebum began.

"For what?!" Yugyeom shot up.

"Well, if you had _let me finish_ , I would've said he's in the hospital for eating mistletoe berries," Jaebum sighed, "Because he's an idiot."

"I AM NO- _eurgh_!" Bambam had begun to protest.

"I'm on my way right now, hyung!" Yugyeom said, throwing on his jacket and rushing out the door without a second thought.


End file.
